Tuesday, April 14, 2009

One Heck of a Bobmshell

My wife doesn't want to have kids. That's what she said last night anyway. We haven't talked about it much after losing the baby. She's scared to get pregnant again and that I knew. This conversation was different. What she actually said was that the last few days she has been thinking about it. This surprised her because for the past year she's been thinking that she doesn't want kids. Then she added that she's probably just feeling that way because her period is starting and she's emotional. Her statement was so matter of fact that I didn't know how to respond. I do want to have kids and I didn't know that she had already decided that she didn't want to try again. We tried for several years before she actually got pregnant and now she acts like she's given up. I would feel better if she didn't sound so rational when she said it as if it was a logical position. It makes me think feeling of maybe wanting kids is going to pass. It worries me that I didn't already know this. Major events in a person's life will change them. Know I'm starting to worry that this is changing us in different directions. I've been working out more, meditating, watching what I eat and anything else I can do to exert some control over my life. She has been partying more, searching for a full time teaching job less and focusing on anything fun. I'm acting like an old man and she's acting like college student. I hope we both find our ways back to the middle.


  1. I go through this all the time. I am up and down. I want a baby so bad yet I am terrified to get pregnant again and go through my 5th loss. I can sometimes really believe I do not want children and then the next day want them. I think it is part of the journey...at least for me it has been. Maybe she just is so afraid of wanting children that she is telling (and convincingly) herself that she does not want them. This way if it does not happen then she does not have far to fall.

    I know what a roller coaster this loss thing is and I know how hard it is for the both of you. The one thing that is definite is that communication is the key...which I guess is the same for a lot of things.

    I hope things get better for you both soon!


  2. Try to just keep holding space for her feelings, and for yours. They go up and down, it seems, and we can't always meet in the middle. And don't forget to tell her how you're feeling. Sometimes, we women say things, and we're just testing the waters, so to speak. We want to prompt him, find out what he's thinking and feeling... hard, sometimes, to ask directly. So we go the roundabout way... ;)

  3. The longing of being a parent especially after a loss is so painful. I too say that I want to have another child and then the fear strikes. It is not an easy decision. I've said things to see where my husband is at because he is not ready to try again because he wants to be reassured that this won't happen again. Since I can't promise that, I only pray that we can once again agree to try.

  4. Sigh. I'm scared too. I want one so bad, and am TERRIFIED that we could loose another baby...look how many do. And I'm scared that my husband (being so stubborn and all) will refuse to try again...then what? And how do you convince someone to have a baby if they REALLY don't want too? But, I agree with Michelle...if you refuse to try...you can't fail, and rock bottom isn't so far away at that point.

  5. I know exactly what you mean. Going through that too.

  6. Both of your responses are normal for someone who has gone through such a loss. It hasn't been too long since your baby became your angel.

    The recovery has yet to run its full course, and when it does, both of you will be better equipped to deal with the issue of getting pregnant again.

    People avoid talking about things when it's still too painful to bring up, and it always will be. But one day hopefully, the hurt will get to the point where both of you will be able to discuss things.

    In the meantime, stay strong for each other... If you must beat around the bush, then so be it. Relationships do change... and both of you need time. You will pull through for each other, but only if at least one of you is willing to be the one to hold on & keep faith.

    My prayers are with you, and with all parents going through such losses.