I was thinking a little while ago about the quantum physics theory of multiple dimensions. I believe it was proposed by Hughe Everett. The basic principle is that anything that can happen does happen in some dimension and every time there is an event with multiple possible outcomes a new dimension is created. That led me to think that there is some dimension where I have a baby. In some other reality I am a happy father with a 9 month old baby dughter that I get to see every day. For almost a second I found that comforting until the thought came, 'WHY THE HELL AM I IN THIS REALITY AND NOT THE OTHER ONE!' Just one more thing to be angry about I suppose. Now I'm back to the one emotion that I know how to express.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
I have this pressure gauge in my head that I want out. I don't feel like I ever get to feel any emotion completely. Whenever a really strong emotion comes on it quickly dissipates leaving me feeling all this pressure building up. I don't know how to let it out. I've only really cried once since we lost the baby. My eyes have swelled up at times but then that valve kicks in stopping any real outburst before it can happen. What may sound like a coping mechanism has taken on a life of it's own. I can't cope because I can't release all of this emotion. I want it out! I want to stop dwelling on it! The one time I did cry was triggered by an argument between my wife and I. The next day I felt a lot better and she felt worse. This is no solution. The last thing I want is for her to suffer in order for me to feel better but there is noone else who can pull that much emotion out of me because I don't care that much about anyone else. An argument with a friend wouldn't cause me to emote like that and I learned to tune out my family long ago.
Friday, June 5, 2009
I've always been afraid of ending up like my father. I know that there is nothing unique in that. When I was a little kid he would play with us and take us sledding. I even remember him dancing around the living room to the opening theme of "Looney Tunes." As I got older his addictions got the best of him. He became angry and paranoid. The littlest things set him off. Not all the time. If it was all the time I would have been able to predict it and deal with it. The truth is that you never knew what was going to set him off so I was always on my toes. When I found out that I was going to be a dad I became even more determined to not be like him. Now that I'm sitting here in grief I find myself acting like my father. My temper is short many days but not all. I don't enjoy things like I used to. Most of the time I just want to be alone. I used to want make other people happy and now I just want them to stop being such jerks. My father's negativity toward people has lost him his marriage and his career. He's an unhappy person who wears his regrets on his face. I don't want to go down that road but I see myself taking those steps. For some reason I can't find the strength to turn even though I can see disaster ahead.