Saturday, June 13, 2009

Quantum Leap

I have this pressure gauge in my head that I want out. I don't feel like I ever get to feel any emotion completely. Whenever a really strong emotion comes on it quickly dissipates leaving me feeling all this pressure building up. I don't know how to let it out. I've only really cried once since we lost the baby. My eyes have swelled up at times but then that valve kicks in stopping any real outburst before it can happen. What may sound like a coping mechanism has taken on a life of it's own. I can't cope because I can't release all of this emotion. I want it out! I want to stop dwelling on it! The one time I did cry was triggered by an argument between my wife and I. The next day I felt a lot better and she felt worse. This is no solution. The last thing I want is for her to suffer in order for me to feel better but there is noone else who can pull that much emotion out of me because I don't care that much about anyone else. An argument with a friend wouldn't cause me to emote like that and I learned to tune out my family long ago.

I was thinking a little while ago about the quantum physics theory of multiple dimensions. I believe it was proposed by Hughe Everett. The basic principle is that anything that can happen does happen in some dimension and every time there is an event with multiple possible outcomes a new dimension is created. That led me to think that there is some dimension where I have a baby. In some other reality I am a happy father with a 9 month old baby dughter that I get to see every day. For almost a second I found that comforting until the thought came, 'WHY THE HELL AM I IN THIS REALITY AND NOT THE OTHER ONE!' Just one more thing to be angry about I suppose. Now I'm back to the one emotion that I know how to express.


  1. I am there too. I feel like I need to do something crazy just so that I can finally release. Praying that you find your way to release in a positive way.

  2. I still think you need to box. Go hit someone. I mean, if it's boxing, didn't they sign up to get a beating anyhow? So, it's not really mean or anything. I think you'll eventually snap. And I think it's going to be ugly when it happens. That's what usually happens to me. I shut down, I stuff, I don't deal...and then BOOM! I am having a hard time stuffing this though. I guess when there's no room left in your has to come out. Maybe you've got a really big bottle.

  3. I like Heather's idea. Just be sure to wear a mouthguard in case they hit back.

  4. I have read through a couple of your posts and I think you would benefit from talking to someone who can listen to you and allow you to let it all out.

    I know what it is like when you feel like nobody wants to know your problems and how you feel about everything that has happened and how shit it all is.

    I also understand how you kept it all together while your wife was having such a tough time. That's just natural and its the kind of thing men do, but you also have to look after yourself...maybe now is the time.

    perhaps ring the hospital and ask if there is someone there you could talk to or if they can give you someones number...give it a go.