Friday, June 5, 2009
Sometimes The Apple Rolls Back Towards the Tree
I've always been afraid of ending up like my father. I know that there is nothing unique in that. When I was a little kid he would play with us and take us sledding. I even remember him dancing around the living room to the opening theme of "Looney Tunes." As I got older his addictions got the best of him. He became angry and paranoid. The littlest things set him off. Not all the time. If it was all the time I would have been able to predict it and deal with it. The truth is that you never knew what was going to set him off so I was always on my toes. When I found out that I was going to be a dad I became even more determined to not be like him. Now that I'm sitting here in grief I find myself acting like my father. My temper is short many days but not all. I don't enjoy things like I used to. Most of the time I just want to be alone. I used to want make other people happy and now I just want them to stop being such jerks. My father's negativity toward people has lost him his marriage and his career. He's an unhappy person who wears his regrets on his face. I don't want to go down that road but I see myself taking those steps. For some reason I can't find the strength to turn even though I can see disaster ahead.
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Hey There,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear about your loss. I myself am a recent member of the baby-loss club, father side. We lost our Baby Bean on 26 May, at 22 weeks gestation. We're still in our grieving process, altho I don't know where I'm at. Like you mentioned in one of your posts, I'm taking care of my wife before I can really take care of myself. Right now, I feel lucky that, even with our families far away, we have a great network of support friends to help us through. Especially ones who are keeping tabs on me specifically.
If you'd like someone to talk to, I can offer a listening ear. It might be easier to relate to someone who knows what it's like. I've also started a blog on LiveJournal. I'm just starting, and not fully ready to share everything, but I did share one post.
Hope to hear from you.
Andrew
Perhaps the biggest difference is that you realize the path, even if at this point you don't feel like you can stop walking it. The other difference is that YOUR BABY DIED!! So many things are supposed to be different now. So many things will never be the same, including how we treat and react to other people. I don't see anything wrong with that. The other thing is this, since you see the path you are headed down...at any given moment you can choose to deviat from it. Be it now, next year, five years...never. You get to choose how close you'll let that apple roll back. In the mean time, take a breath, punch a bag and know that there's nothing WRONG with you, except that your baby died...and for that, you get a pass. At least in my book.
ReplyDeleteI read Andrew's post on his LiveJournal page. I don't have a LJ account, so I couldn't comment...though you KNOW I wanted too. :) I think I'll have to follow him too. I really appreciate the males perspective on all of this. It helps me to cope with my husband's end and how he grieves.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Heather. You know where your anger comes from. You can choose how and where you are going to channel that. My prayers go out to you.
ReplyDelete