Friday, June 5, 2009
Sometimes The Apple Rolls Back Towards the Tree
I've always been afraid of ending up like my father. I know that there is nothing unique in that. When I was a little kid he would play with us and take us sledding. I even remember him dancing around the living room to the opening theme of "Looney Tunes." As I got older his addictions got the best of him. He became angry and paranoid. The littlest things set him off. Not all the time. If it was all the time I would have been able to predict it and deal with it. The truth is that you never knew what was going to set him off so I was always on my toes. When I found out that I was going to be a dad I became even more determined to not be like him. Now that I'm sitting here in grief I find myself acting like my father. My temper is short many days but not all. I don't enjoy things like I used to. Most of the time I just want to be alone. I used to want make other people happy and now I just want them to stop being such jerks. My father's negativity toward people has lost him his marriage and his career. He's an unhappy person who wears his regrets on his face. I don't want to go down that road but I see myself taking those steps. For some reason I can't find the strength to turn even though I can see disaster ahead.