Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Maybe I Don't Deserve To Be A Dad

I wish I was a better person. I'm tired of trying to be a better person. I'm tired of wishing I was a better person. Bad things keep happening to me and in the back of my mind I feel like I deserve it. The mistakes that I make every day in my life somehow justify the bad things that keep happening. I'm unhappy so it must be because of bad decisions that I've made. I'm always trying to do the right thing and the responsible thing but things haven't ended up any better for me than people who don't. I just want to give up. I try so hard to please other people but in the end it doesn't help. The reality is that there are very few people who like me. So why do I try so hard?

Sunday, May 17, 2009

I'm Back!!

I haven't written anything in a while because I was starting to feel pretty good for a while there. I really wanted to believe that it was going to last and that I wouldn't find myself back in the darkness staring at that screen. That would have been nice. I don't know how to define OK anymore. Is OK when I'm not thinking about the fact that I've lost the opportunity to be a father and do all of the other things that I watch so many guys take for granted as a dad? Or is it when I can think about it and not get really pissed of and want to put my hand through a wall? There are days lately that I feel like I'm doing good and things are just rolling off of me until someone pushes that one button. That one button at work seems to be when people complain to me about prices. I am a manager of one store in a chain. I have absolutely no control over the pricing of items and yes I know that Walmart is cheaper than us. We are talking about Walmart. They aren't known for their high prices. What do they expect me to say? They don't want me to explain and I certainly am not going to apologize. I didn't do it. Where do they expect this conversation to go? I give what I think is a reasonable answer and they end up just staring at me. I just want to scream back, "I can't just lower a price and keep my job so GO AWAY!" Instead I just say, "Let me know if you need anything else," and I end up in the back room kicking some empty boxes. That's when I know that I'm still not back to normal. I used to be laid back. I miss that.