Saturday, June 13, 2009

Quantum Leap

I have this pressure gauge in my head that I want out. I don't feel like I ever get to feel any emotion completely. Whenever a really strong emotion comes on it quickly dissipates leaving me feeling all this pressure building up. I don't know how to let it out. I've only really cried once since we lost the baby. My eyes have swelled up at times but then that valve kicks in stopping any real outburst before it can happen. What may sound like a coping mechanism has taken on a life of it's own. I can't cope because I can't release all of this emotion. I want it out! I want to stop dwelling on it! The one time I did cry was triggered by an argument between my wife and I. The next day I felt a lot better and she felt worse. This is no solution. The last thing I want is for her to suffer in order for me to feel better but there is noone else who can pull that much emotion out of me because I don't care that much about anyone else. An argument with a friend wouldn't cause me to emote like that and I learned to tune out my family long ago.

I was thinking a little while ago about the quantum physics theory of multiple dimensions. I believe it was proposed by Hughe Everett. The basic principle is that anything that can happen does happen in some dimension and every time there is an event with multiple possible outcomes a new dimension is created. That led me to think that there is some dimension where I have a baby. In some other reality I am a happy father with a 9 month old baby dughter that I get to see every day. For almost a second I found that comforting until the thought came, 'WHY THE HELL AM I IN THIS REALITY AND NOT THE OTHER ONE!' Just one more thing to be angry about I suppose. Now I'm back to the one emotion that I know how to express.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Sometimes The Apple Rolls Back Towards the Tree

I've always been afraid of ending up like my father. I know that there is nothing unique in that. When I was a little kid he would play with us and take us sledding. I even remember him dancing around the living room to the opening theme of "Looney Tunes." As I got older his addictions got the best of him. He became angry and paranoid. The littlest things set him off. Not all the time. If it was all the time I would have been able to predict it and deal with it. The truth is that you never knew what was going to set him off so I was always on my toes. When I found out that I was going to be a dad I became even more determined to not be like him. Now that I'm sitting here in grief I find myself acting like my father. My temper is short many days but not all. I don't enjoy things like I used to. Most of the time I just want to be alone. I used to want make other people happy and now I just want them to stop being such jerks. My father's negativity toward people has lost him his marriage and his career. He's an unhappy person who wears his regrets on his face. I don't want to go down that road but I see myself taking those steps. For some reason I can't find the strength to turn even though I can see disaster ahead.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Maybe I Don't Deserve To Be A Dad

I wish I was a better person. I'm tired of trying to be a better person. I'm tired of wishing I was a better person. Bad things keep happening to me and in the back of my mind I feel like I deserve it. The mistakes that I make every day in my life somehow justify the bad things that keep happening. I'm unhappy so it must be because of bad decisions that I've made. I'm always trying to do the right thing and the responsible thing but things haven't ended up any better for me than people who don't. I just want to give up. I try so hard to please other people but in the end it doesn't help. The reality is that there are very few people who like me. So why do I try so hard?

Sunday, May 17, 2009

I'm Back!!

I haven't written anything in a while because I was starting to feel pretty good for a while there. I really wanted to believe that it was going to last and that I wouldn't find myself back in the darkness staring at that screen. That would have been nice. I don't know how to define OK anymore. Is OK when I'm not thinking about the fact that I've lost the opportunity to be a father and do all of the other things that I watch so many guys take for granted as a dad? Or is it when I can think about it and not get really pissed of and want to put my hand through a wall? There are days lately that I feel like I'm doing good and things are just rolling off of me until someone pushes that one button. That one button at work seems to be when people complain to me about prices. I am a manager of one store in a chain. I have absolutely no control over the pricing of items and yes I know that Walmart is cheaper than us. We are talking about Walmart. They aren't known for their high prices. What do they expect me to say? They don't want me to explain and I certainly am not going to apologize. I didn't do it. Where do they expect this conversation to go? I give what I think is a reasonable answer and they end up just staring at me. I just want to scream back, "I can't just lower a price and keep my job so GO AWAY!" Instead I just say, "Let me know if you need anything else," and I end up in the back room kicking some empty boxes. That's when I know that I'm still not back to normal. I used to be laid back. I miss that.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The Dark Can Be Lonely When We're Together

Today my wife told me that she's been depressed lately thinking about the baby.  I sat with her on the couch and listened but in my head I was thinking thank god!  I don't know if it's because I was relieved that I'm not alone of if because I could tell she's been down and now she's opening up again to me.  Recently I've seen her acting down but I couldn't get her to tell me what was wrong.  That's so frustrating for me because I hate to feel shut out.  Part of that is my fault.  I know that at times I do the typical male thing and try to fix problems when all she wants me to do is listen.  Now I think she doesn't want to tell me about what's bothering her unless there is a possible solution or some new information.  The reality is that I do want to know what's going on or I fear the worst.  I think at times men just need to be told, "I need to talk and I don't want you to try to fix it or give me advice."  I don't seem to know when it's that kind of conversation until I've already upset her by throwing my thoughts at her.  I don't like that I do that. It's just a compulsion.  I told her that she can always talk to me even though she may think it will bring me down.  I hope she does.  Sitting in the dark can be lonely if we don't talk.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

It All Feels Pointless

Everything just feels pointless. I work my ass off at my job but I don't feel like it matters. Best case scenario, I make more money. So what. I don't have a family to support. My wife makes enough to support herself if she needs to. I make enough to live in a decent place and buy the things I want to buy. As I thought about my life and the direction I was going there was always a family in the plan. Now what? Do I just go on like this forever. What meaning is there to my life if I don't have anyone to remember me. Now I just feel like I'm going through the motions everyday. I remember when I felt present and that was enough for me. I could wake up and just enjoy the day. Now I'm constantly aware of what is missing from each day. Even the good days don't seem to be enough.

I've been in a little better mood lately. It may just be because of the better weather or perhaps I just needed a little distance from all of those bad memories of March. No matter what it is it still isn't enough to make me forget. When my wife and I were out shopping today I had another baby staring at me. This happens a lot. In fact it happens so much that people who know me have mentioned it. I don't know why that is. Maybe it's the way I look at them. Most people get this look of excitement when they see a baby that I'm sure they become accustomed to. The look on my face may be different and perhaps puzzling. I don't know. Seeing babies is still hard for me. I wish it wasn't. I have to be ready to spend time with my new niece in July. I don't want it to make me sad. That would not be fair to my brother and his wife not to mention my niece.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

One Heck of a Bobmshell

My wife doesn't want to have kids. That's what she said last night anyway. We haven't talked about it much after losing the baby. She's scared to get pregnant again and that I knew. This conversation was different. What she actually said was that the last few days she has been thinking about it. This surprised her because for the past year she's been thinking that she doesn't want kids. Then she added that she's probably just feeling that way because her period is starting and she's emotional. Her statement was so matter of fact that I didn't know how to respond. I do want to have kids and I didn't know that she had already decided that she didn't want to try again. We tried for several years before she actually got pregnant and now she acts like she's given up. I would feel better if she didn't sound so rational when she said it as if it was a logical position. It makes me think feeling of maybe wanting kids is going to pass. It worries me that I didn't already know this. Major events in a person's life will change them. Know I'm starting to worry that this is changing us in different directions. I've been working out more, meditating, watching what I eat and anything else I can do to exert some control over my life. She has been partying more, searching for a full time teaching job less and focusing on anything fun. I'm acting like an old man and she's acting like college student. I hope we both find our ways back to the middle.