Wednesday, April 22, 2009
The Dark Can Be Lonely When We're Together
Today my wife told me that she's been depressed lately thinking about the baby. I sat with her on the couch and listened but in my head I was thinking thank god! I don't know if it's because I was relieved that I'm not alone of if because I could tell she's been down and now she's opening up again to me. Recently I've seen her acting down but I couldn't get her to tell me what was wrong. That's so frustrating for me because I hate to feel shut out. Part of that is my fault. I know that at times I do the typical male thing and try to fix problems when all she wants me to do is listen. Now I think she doesn't want to tell me about what's bothering her unless there is a possible solution or some new information. The reality is that I do want to know what's going on or I fear the worst. I think at times men just need to be told, "I need to talk and I don't want you to try to fix it or give me advice." I don't seem to know when it's that kind of conversation until I've already upset her by throwing my thoughts at her. I don't like that I do that. It's just a compulsion. I told her that she can always talk to me even though she may think it will bring me down. I hope she does. Sitting in the dark can be lonely if we don't talk.
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I am so glad to hear that you are talking..... really talking. It makes such a big difference. If I didn't have my husband's support and understanding (he's the only one who knows what we have been through together) I would be lost. Good for you. You need to be there for each other. Men and women definitely grieve differently... recognizing that is very important.
ReplyDeleteI do that with my hubby. I say "No fixing, just listen" It works!
ReplyDeleteI am hoping that you and your wife have reached you point of healing together.
ReplyDeleteNot sure how I missed this post, but you know how it's been lately.
ReplyDeleteI'm the type of girl that wants a solution. If I'm telling someone a problem it's because I can't fix it and I want someone else to try. Makes me a terrible listener too. I always wanna fix stuff. This might be why D doesn't talk too much to me either. You can't fix this shit. It's frustrating. And I agree, it gets lonely feeling like you're the only one in it. Wish we could wear labels for the day. That way I wouldn't be guessing and he wouldn't either...but then we wouldn't have to fix it! But I've come to realize, even when no one is talking about it...it's still there. D carries the weight around as much as I do and if he's having a good day or a bad day...it doesn't mean anything other than he's normal and trying to figure this out and find his way...just like me. We all have to find out own way through this efin mess!