Everything just feels pointless. I work my ass off at my job but I don't feel like it matters. Best case scenario, I make more money. So what. I don't have a family to support. My wife makes enough to support herself if she needs to. I make enough to live in a decent place and buy the things I want to buy. As I thought about my life and the direction I was going there was always a family in the plan. Now what? Do I just go on like this forever. What meaning is there to my life if I don't have anyone to remember me. Now I just feel like I'm going through the motions everyday. I remember when I felt present and that was enough for me. I could wake up and just enjoy the day. Now I'm constantly aware of what is missing from each day. Even the good days don't seem to be enough.
I've been in a little better mood lately. It may just be because of the better weather or perhaps I just needed a little distance from all of those bad memories of March. No matter what it is it still isn't enough to make me forget. When my wife and I were out shopping today I had another baby staring at me. This happens a lot. In fact it happens so much that people who know me have mentioned it. I don't know why that is. Maybe it's the way I look at them. Most people get this look of excitement when they see a baby that I'm sure they become accustomed to. The look on my face may be different and perhaps puzzling. I don't know. Seeing babies is still hard for me. I wish it wasn't. I have to be ready to spend time with my new niece in July. I don't want it to make me sad. That would not be fair to my brother and his wife not to mention my niece.
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I know exactly how it feels to just 'go through the motions', in fact, I posted about that same thing a while ago. Sometimes I think we get too comfortable in that place.
ReplyDeleteI hear you about the baby thing too..... it's so , so hard to even look at a newborn right now. Be gentle with yourself. You do what you need to do to cope.
Strength to you.
I unexpectedly came face to face with a three week old boy on Friday. It stung, but more so when my MIL and her two sisters made a big deal out of it. Like I was gonna freak and I couldn't handle it, or I was gonna have a public meltdown. Grief is bad enough without the "others" pushing their thoughts about how you're grieving off onto you. Babies. They're so dang cute, and have great power over us all.
ReplyDeleteI know this feeling very well. I am constantly thinking that if I don't have a baby what is going to be the point to my life. It is so hard and I wish I had good answers to that question, but I don't so I keep trying one step at a time. Sometimes it works and sometimes not so much.
ReplyDeleteI know where you are. I think what is the point of getting out of bed, eating a meal, showering and primping and so on. But then, I think is this how I would want my son to see me? So if not for you, for the memory of baby.
ReplyDeleteThe baby staring thing is odd isn't it? I believe that my angel is watching the world with me, or maybe watching me, and I swear that I feel that babies on this earth can see or atleast sense him. Run away imagination? May be, may be not.
ReplyDeleteYour blog..wow...I hope my husband comes around to read it. Hurting on the sidelines...I wish things were easier for all the husbands out there. Us wives end up being the center of it all...I think everyone sometimes forgets how much the husbands have gone through. We may be physically and emotionally hurt but you all have had to bear the emotional burden while supporting our pain.
Hats off and a bow to you, my husband, and all the others hurting on the sidelines.