Everything just feels pointless. I work my ass off at my job but I don't feel like it matters. Best case scenario, I make more money. So what. I don't have a family to support. My wife makes enough to support herself if she needs to. I make enough to live in a decent place and buy the things I want to buy. As I thought about my life and the direction I was going there was always a family in the plan. Now what? Do I just go on like this forever. What meaning is there to my life if I don't have anyone to remember me. Now I just feel like I'm going through the motions everyday. I remember when I felt present and that was enough for me. I could wake up and just enjoy the day. Now I'm constantly aware of what is missing from each day. Even the good days don't seem to be enough.
I've been in a little better mood lately. It may just be because of the better weather or perhaps I just needed a little distance from all of those bad memories of March. No matter what it is it still isn't enough to make me forget. When my wife and I were out shopping today I had another baby staring at me. This happens a lot. In fact it happens so much that people who know me have mentioned it. I don't know why that is. Maybe it's the way I look at them. Most people get this look of excitement when they see a baby that I'm sure they become accustomed to. The look on my face may be different and perhaps puzzling. I don't know. Seeing babies is still hard for me. I wish it wasn't. I have to be ready to spend time with my new niece in July. I don't want it to make me sad. That would not be fair to my brother and his wife not to mention my niece.