I'm sitting here at the computer because I feel like I have to get something off my chest. The problem is I'm not sure what that it. My mind will go too many places at once. It's hard to push it out in any single stream of thought. I have a lot of thoughts that I really don't want. For example, I'm angry at religious people. This doesn't make any logical sense. I don't believe in God. I never really have. Since I don't believe in God I don't have anyone to be angry at for this random act of nature. So I suppose I've become angry at all religious people as a substitute. Let me add that the hospital that we went to was a catholic hospital. When we found out that the death of the baby was eminent we had to wait for an "ethics committee" to decide if they could induce. 5 days of wondering what would happen while people discuss our situation based on their beliefs and not ours. Then the day of the delivery we had nurses pushing us toward decisions based on their beliefs and not ours. Oh and lets not forget that when we finally were able to pick up the pictures a few weeks later then we were told that they'd be ready, we had to go to the chapel to pick them up.
About a month ago an ex-employee of mine invited me to a wild game dinner at his church. I knew that I might have some issues but I appreciated the invitation. He usually goes with his father but his father but due to a major heart attack his father couldn't go. I went. It was no surprise that there was going to be a sermon involved. I don't believe in God but I do agree with the more universal moral points of Christianity so I didn't think it would bother me. What I didn't expect was the whole thing being about the miracle of childbirth with an in depth play by play of the birth of each of his three children. If I did believe in God this would have put a damper on our relationship.
The other thing that I'm preoccupied by is the fact that my wife is out with her best friend tonight. I still worry about losing her and being all alone. Maybe it's just that for the other shoe to drop feeling that many of you may know. To make things worse it was that friend that my wife was out with the night she cheated on me. It was our first year of marriage but I didn't find out about it for another year. She slept with a guy that she knew but didn't even like. This is another pain that I've been thinking about a lot lately no matter how much I don't want to. It was a long time ago and neither of us are the same people we were back then. I don't have any logical reason to believe that she would cheat on me again. For some reason dealing with the loss of our baby has brought this back to the front of my mind. Every time she goes out with friends I go to that dark place. Why can't things just be simple? The funny thing is that I know worrying about this makes me act like a person that I don't want to be and I can't help but worry that it's also a person that she won't want to be with. I wish I could just let go of all of this anger.
My eyes started to water as I wrote that last part. I wish I could actually cry. Why can't I cry?