Friday, April 3, 2009

Laying In The Bed I Made.

I'm sitting here at the computer because I feel like I have to get something off my chest. The problem is I'm not sure what that it. My mind will go too many places at once. It's hard to push it out in any single stream of thought. I have a lot of thoughts that I really don't want. For example, I'm angry at religious people. This doesn't make any logical sense. I don't believe in God. I never really have. Since I don't believe in God I don't have anyone to be angry at for this random act of nature. So I suppose I've become angry at all religious people as a substitute. Let me add that the hospital that we went to was a catholic hospital. When we found out that the death of the baby was eminent we had to wait for an "ethics committee" to decide if they could induce. 5 days of wondering what would happen while people discuss our situation based on their beliefs and not ours. Then the day of the delivery we had nurses pushing us toward decisions based on their beliefs and not ours. Oh and lets not forget that when we finally were able to pick up the pictures a few weeks later then we were told that they'd be ready, we had to go to the chapel to pick them up.

About a month ago an ex-employee of mine invited me to a wild game dinner at his church. I knew that I might have some issues but I appreciated the invitation. He usually goes with his father but his father but due to a major heart attack his father couldn't go. I went. It was no surprise that there was going to be a sermon involved. I don't believe in God but I do agree with the more universal moral points of Christianity so I didn't think it would bother me. What I didn't expect was the whole thing being about the miracle of childbirth with an in depth play by play of the birth of each of his three children. If I did believe in God this would have put a damper on our relationship.

The other thing that I'm preoccupied by is the fact that my wife is out with her best friend tonight. I still worry about losing her and being all alone. Maybe it's just that for the other shoe to drop feeling that many of you may know. To make things worse it was that friend that my wife was out with the night she cheated on me. It was our first year of marriage but I didn't find out about it for another year. She slept with a guy that she knew but didn't even like. This is another pain that I've been thinking about a lot lately no matter how much I don't want to. It was a long time ago and neither of us are the same people we were back then. I don't have any logical reason to believe that she would cheat on me again. For some reason dealing with the loss of our baby has brought this back to the front of my mind. Every time she goes out with friends I go to that dark place. Why can't things just be simple? The funny thing is that I know worrying about this makes me act like a person that I don't want to be and I can't help but worry that it's also a person that she won't want to be with. I wish I could just let go of all of this anger.

My eyes started to water as I wrote that last part. I wish I could actually cry. Why can't I cry?


  1. I couldn't read your post and not comment - my husband had an emotional affair during our first year of marriage, and I can totally relate to having those wounds reopen when we experienced three pregnancy losses in a row. When my husband cheated on me, I lost complete faith & trust in him (although he's worked to rebuild it, it will never be the same). When I lost babies, I lost not only their futures - but also my faith & trust in pregnancy ending in a live baby. Loss is loss - at the heart of things.

    I hope your wife is receptive to listening to your fears at least, and telling you she loves you. That's what my husband finally has learned to do after all these years. When I get triggered, I just need him to hug me, tell me he loves, that he's here NOW. That goes a long way to helping dissipate the anger & hurt. Can you tell her that?

    hang in there. . .

  2. Feeling for you, NWB. SO many things embedded in this post, universal truths that I think we can all relate to in some way. I'm horrified by the "ethics committee" story. I, too, share your "illogical" dislike of religious people, but only the ones who impose their beliefs on others as this Catholic hospital did to you. I don't think that's an illogical hatred. I think it makes perfect sense.

    It also makes sense that you'd be bothered by your wife's being out with "that friend." Why wouldn't that bother you? I won't give advice because I'm the last/worst person to do that. I'm just saying, your words and line of thinking resonate with crystal truth and clarity, and make sense to me. Hang in there.

  3. I'm only speculating here, but maybe you never REALLY delt with the affair and perhaps that's why it's coming up again. That old saying about dealing now or dealing later but eventually you WILL have to deal. Plus, I would think that any major trauma (like stillbirth) would rock your world to the core in every aspect. Damn that shoe.

  4. I wish I had something deep and meaningful to say, something that might make you feel better. I don't really but still wanted you to know I was thinking of you. I think it's very strong of you to forgive your wife. Hang in there.

  5. I think both my husband and I feel more afraid of losing each other since losing our daughter. We are just reminded of the fragility of life every minute. Plus, we are suddenly so much more vulnerable with each other. We steel ourselves in the world, and then come home, and be angry, or scared, or sad, and just let it all hang out. We can truly be ourselves at home, and well, that feels as necessary as air right now. (((hugs))) It is all so fucking complicated now. That has become my mantra, I think.

  6. It definitely makes sense to me that you're feeling more fragile about everything following your loss. I was too, and my husband went to a pretty bad place after we lost our boys--I thought there was a chance we might not make it. So far, we're about six months out from losing our sons and we're hanging in there. I just wanted to say that I understand and I think you're a strong person who's trying his best. My thoughts are with you and your wife as you make sense of things.