Thursday, April 9, 2009
I Feel Violent Today
I feel violent today. It's a side of myself that I hate. When I was in my early twenties I could go out to a bar and find myself in what I thought was the right side of a fight. That's a little tougher now that I'm in my thirties. Today I went in the back room at work and just started punching empty boxes. To be completely accurate all but one was empty. There was one that I just thought was empty. It turned out that there were glass bowls inside. My knuckles are still red. There aren't too many socially acceptable times to be violent. I'm still waiting for the random mugging by a guy with just a knife or to walk into a robbery in progress but so far no luck. It feels like I have a huge amount of rage to get out of my system. Deep down I know that it won't go away by punching but it's the only thing that seems to fit. I don't really want to hurt anyone. I really wish that I could hang my punching bag up in this apartment. We do have a garage so perhaps now that it's getting warmer I'll buy a stand.
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Hun, why don't you go get counselling? It can't hurt, right?
ReplyDeleteI went to a therapist. She was always late by at least 20 minutes and barely le me get a word in. The only advice she gave was to write down my feelings. That's what you're reading.l Wlecome to my dark place.
ReplyDeleteThe punching bag sounds so good right about now. But, when I was younger I went to therapy for the loss of a friend. Here is what she made us do. She grabbed a nice fluffy pillow and placed it on the floor. Then, she gave me a tennis racket. She told me, "Kneel in front of the pillow and have at it." And I did. She told me to say what I was thinking as I hit the pillow. "Just get it all out", she said. I remember that day vividly now. I felt somewhat better. So tonight I may do that. Hope you will too.
ReplyDeleteDesigned for just this type of thing...http://www.smashshack.com/
ReplyDeletebut seriously, I think a good violent outburst in a controlled environment is healthy. what happened to us is unfair, unjust in every way...we were violated by a chaotic world, and it is natural to feel rage. what you do with that rage is your decision, though...a punching bag is healthy.
sending you some good grounding vibes.
My Hubby used to train at an MMA (mixed martial arts gym) and got to beat on real live people every night. That sort of morphed into a friendship with a fellow fight fan/trainee, so now they just get together and spar whenever they can. He's much calmer/more pleasant to be around after sparring.I also take kickboxing classes because sometimes, you just need to hit something as hard as you can :)That might be something for you to look into.
ReplyDeleteIt can't hurt to take a class or two, right?
Boxing. Real live boxing. Or the MMA. I think those would be awesome. If I wasn't such a wuss I would so do this. I just keep thinking I want to bash everything around me with a baseball bat. I used to have a Damn It doll. A little fluffy doll that had a poem that ended with something like "and while you beat it's stuffing out, yell Damn It, Damn It, Damn It!"...I wonder where that went too...
ReplyDeleteBTW, my word verification is reamad (as in real mad!!) IRONIC!
A few times I was so angry about our situation (we had 2 miscarriages last year) that I really wanted to smash things walking home from work. Angry enough that I felt like I wanted someone to attack me too. Hmm, not as acceptable to feel this way when you're a woman. But I can't help it. And as you said before, there is really nowhere/nothing to direct that anger to.
ReplyDeleteWe all have our reasons to become frustrated, pissed-off, angry, hateful and violent and as we keep feeding it we create something that almost becomes uncontrollable. Me too, I used to get into fights during High-schools because I felt self-hate, I felt inferior and hate towards others. Reasons don't matter because we all have a different story with different details but the emotions are the same for all of us. And getting into fights, intimidating people was a 'great' way for me to have my moment of feeling superior. However, this quickly faded of course. You can't intimidate and fight with people all the time. Not healthy to say the least. Lucky for me, I never got into real trouble. And believe me: I caused some serious trouble with anyone. Nowadays I have my thoughts and feelings much more under control. I would like to suggest you two things:
ReplyDeleteThe meditation of centerpointe.com. This will calm your mind. It is the lazy man's way for meditation. Just try it and if you don't like it you just ask your money back. They are totally reliable.
The next thing I would like to suggest you is: Learn and practice the quality of FORGIVENESS that we all possess but seldom use. I just recently started to read and learn about forgiveness. I am now able to go back in my memory to situations that (before) really hurted me and look at the people who caused it without any feelings for serious violence. And that is such a big relief.....
I read this book: Forgiveness - The Greatest Healer of All. Gerald G. Jampolsky.
I want to thank you for speaking out and expressing yourself!!! That is so much more constructive, for everybody, than expressing ourselves through physical violence. But believe me: I know how it feels....
Do the rights thing!
Paul
amsterdampaul@gmail.com
I know exactly how your feeling man, I feel it right now, hence finding your blog. I feel restless, anxious and full of this uncontrollable rage. When i was younger my parents used to say I got this 'hooded' look about me when i was in one of these moods, ten years later i can see it in the mirror today
ReplyDeletelife sux, i grew up getting picked on "off topic" but i would never fight back because i never ever wanted to hurt anyone, until later in high school i could take no more to the point i beat the shit out of some guy, no one picked on me later. But there are still times when i look very come calm now but inside i have a burning desire to fuck someones day up! it doesnt matter who it could even be my best friend!!! but i deal with it... i could be sat down on the couch with someone and inside i just want to let loose and beat there face in but my internal voice holds me back, , , , its not easy to hold back and i suffered loss like u maybe i cant let go. however unlike the past i now welcome a fight! this probably doesnt help anyone but its my story
ReplyDelete