Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Maybe I Don't Deserve To Be A Dad
I wish I was a better person. I'm tired of trying to be a better person. I'm tired of wishing I was a better person. Bad things keep happening to me and in the back of my mind I feel like I deserve it. The mistakes that I make every day in my life somehow justify the bad things that keep happening. I'm unhappy so it must be because of bad decisions that I've made. I'm always trying to do the right thing and the responsible thing but things haven't ended up any better for me than people who don't. I just want to give up. I try so hard to please other people but in the end it doesn't help. The reality is that there are very few people who like me. So why do I try so hard?
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I'm so sorry. I can hear the pain in your words. I'm willing to bet that most others in your life do not see you the way you see yourself. We all have a very good knack at seeing the negative aspects in our personality.
ReplyDeleteTry not to be so hard on yourself.... things will get better.
I like you.
ReplyDeleteKarma sucks, btw. But I can't tell you how many days I find these thoughts trailing through my mind. But then I read about how everyone says that "this changes you" and I believe that. I am this person. This sad, angry, depressed, intolerant, impatient person because my child died. And I deserve to be such. We don't deserve dead babies because we aren't better people. Just like people who do terrible, unspeakable things to their children deserve them. Children are a consequence of sex (most times a great one!) and dead babies are the consequence of being human. But, it still pisses me off.
You are not a bad person, and you do not deserve a dead baby.
It is hard to to think that we deserve good things to happen to us after such a loss. But we must believe that this was not a punishment. We add so much more pressure to be normal and acceptable to others round us. But we must be who we are, a grieving parent.
ReplyDeleteIt's so easy to play the blame game, to imagine that if we were better somehow, the shitstorm would stop. If only that were true! Hang in there, dude.
ReplyDeleteHOSL: I like you. I like you, I like you, I like you. I don't mean that in a patronizing or offensive way, either. I'm just saying, your blog makes me happy, because you are a strong writer who conveys universal feelings that cut to the core of what a lot of people feel every day, but are afraid to express. You know, the ramifications of pregancy loss are really mysterious and long-term. There isn't enough information out there about longer lasting psychological effects, especially on guys. I think you should write a book - even a short memoir - on your experiences. A lot of people would gain from your insight and perspective.
ReplyDelete