Saturday, March 28, 2009
The Numbness Is Back!!
The numbness is back! I guess that would be something to be excited about if that wasn't contradictory. I'm not feeling good. I'm just relieved to not be feeling bad. Most of the time I just feel lonely. My wife and I have schedules that are sporadic and never seem to match up so I just spend a lot of time alone. I read. I meditate. I pretend that this is a chosen lifestyle. In reality this existence is a jail that I have created with bricks of sarcasm. My defense mechanisms have always kept everyone at arms length. Now that my defenses are down there's no one trying to get in. It was easier when I thought I was just too busy to have friends. Looking back I'm not even sure how that's supposed to make sense. If you're reading this and thinking, "How does this relate to losing a baby?" EVERYTHING I FEEL IS ALTERED BY THIS STUPID GRIEF THAT I CAN"T ESCAPE! I never used to care that I was alone because people let me down in the past. That sounds trite and cliche but that's how psychology works. There is a field of psychology because none of us are as unique as we think. The past year has shown me how prone I am to the textbook examples of grief. Awareness of the psychosis has done no good in preventing them. Honestly I can't decide if I like numb or angry better. At least when I was angry I worked out more.