Saturday, March 28, 2009

The Numbness Is Back!!

The numbness is back! I guess that would be something to be excited about if that wasn't contradictory. I'm not feeling good. I'm just relieved to not be feeling bad. Most of the time I just feel lonely. My wife and I have schedules that are sporadic and never seem to match up so I just spend a lot of time alone. I read. I meditate. I pretend that this is a chosen lifestyle. In reality this existence is a jail that I have created with bricks of sarcasm. My defense mechanisms have always kept everyone at arms length. Now that my defenses are down there's no one trying to get in. It was easier when I thought I was just too busy to have friends. Looking back I'm not even sure how that's supposed to make sense. If you're reading this and thinking, "How does this relate to losing a baby?" EVERYTHING I FEEL IS ALTERED BY THIS STUPID GRIEF THAT I CAN"T ESCAPE! I never used to care that I was alone because people let me down in the past. That sounds trite and cliche but that's how psychology works. There is a field of psychology because none of us are as unique as we think. The past year has shown me how prone I am to the textbook examples of grief. Awareness of the psychosis has done no good in preventing them. Honestly I can't decide if I like numb or angry better. At least when I was angry I worked out more.


  1. I know what you feel. I have been home alone for hours upon hours for just about 2 months. Once it sinks in it is hard to let go. I haven't learned to snap out of it yet. I hope to reach the snap one day. Praying for you.

  2. Thanks for sharing your experiences/perspective. My husband & I should talk more about our losses, but we don't. It's too hard. I'm sorry for your loss.


  3. Hi There,

    I just started to read your story. I am so sorry about the loss of your precious daughter. My heart aches for you, for all of us.

    Sending you strength for your journey

  4. I also just started reading your story. I learned about it from Monica over at Knocked Up, Knocked Down and I am glad she shared your blog with us. It is wonderful to read a man's point of view. I am so sorry about you loss. I wish there was something that could make it better but there isn't you just have to go through it whether we like it or not and as you know IT SUCKS! I will be stopping by more often. I really like your blog. Thanks!


    Me too! I'm thinking of taking up boxing! I don't spend my days alone, obviously, but I feel very isolated none the less. Even with the few friends or family members who I do talk to, I feel so cut off from their reality. I just can't care about thier petty issues in their lives. Which makes me feel lousy, like I'm being high and mighty...but I just don't give a crap. I just don't. And I think they know it, and so they pull away. And then I see myself not giving a crap about that either.