Thursday, March 19, 2009

My story.........Block........Delete

I sat down tonight to write and I started to write a detailed account of what happened that day. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of the birth and death of our so it seemed appropriate to write it all down. After getting about half way through I realized that I was writing with all the emotion of meeting notes sticking strictly to Roberts Rules of Order. Here's what I really want to know. Why in the hell were we put into the same wing as all of the other mothers that just gave birth. I understand for the delivery but not once we were transferred to another room for the night. All night I stared ad posters of babies on the wall and heard babies crying in other rooms. It was torture. It's bad enough that the nurses made us stay even though the doctor said it wasn't necessary. The nurses said we had to talk to the social worker before we left and then conveniently the social worker was gone for the day after a couple of hours of waiting. The verbally disagreed with the doctor so I really do feel that this was a trick. At this point let me point out that we weren't as far along as many of the other blogs that I've seen. It was only 16 weeks. Too late for the baby to come out without being induced but too early for her to have a chance. The part about it that's the hardest is when they put the baby in my arms before I was sure if I was ready for that. The image of a dead body that is so underdeveloped is more disturbing than I can describe. That image will be locked in my head till I die. In case I ever did forget, they gave us pictures as a reminder.

I was dreading work today because I knew I was feeling emotional. I don't manage my people with emotion. I feel it clouds decisions too much and keeps people from learning. When I walked in the door my fear came true. On my day off yesterday all sorts of things went wrong that I had to answer to with my boss. Days like this used to be a breeze. I know the answers. I know what steps I need to take. Most importantly I know how to handle my boss.......usually. Today I almost cried while counseling an employee. I shut down when talking to my boss. There just wasn't enough strength in me. The one thing I am proud of is that I maintained my conviction. My boss was out for blood over ten missing dollars. I told him that a policy wasn't followed because I haven't been enforcing it consistently and if he was going to document anyone it should be me. Naturally now that hew would have to be the one to swing the hammer and not me he backed down. It was a small victory but on a day like today I'll take it.


  1. Sigh. You deserve the "F" word here too!

  2. OK, I'm back to read another one of your posts. This is so eerily familiar, all of it. Our first loss was 16 weeks too, and we had to induce. We did have them push "looking at the baby" on us, but we shied away from that idea. No, ran away from it kicking and screaming. Society just honestly doesn't konw or really care much about what we - the KuKd mom or dad - really wants/needs. They want us to hold the fetus because, well, it seems like the right thing to do. They put us in the regular labor/delivery because, well, it seems okay. IT'S SO NOT OKAY! Dudes, we are going through this with no fucking road map, no clue as to how to handle it, so don't shove stuff in our faces and make us feel bad if we choose to handle it differently! Listen to our questions at the right times, and answer us with compassion instead of forcing your beliefs on us! AGGGHHH!


    I hope you're doing okay today, HOSL.