Monday, March 16, 2009

I don't want to be sad. I know that it's supposed to be normal so perhaps I don't want to be normal. I just want to forget. When I feel depressed I then get angry at myself for being depressed. It's just a distraction that has no benefit. After a year of trying to deal with this I don't feel like the sadness has gained me anything so I would rather just be done with it. My wife seems to be dealing with it so much better than I am. As a matter of fact it seems that she is suprised by how bad I feel all of the sudden. I didn't give myself time to really hurt in the beginning because I didn't want her to be down. I especially didn't want to be the one to bring her down. Now I find myself not able to think about anything else.

Why do we read about each others suffering? Does it help us to feel more normal or perhaps just not so alone. I wish I had someone to really talk to about this before but that wasn't the case. I was never really one to lean on other people and I guess that was all too clear to others. Now that I need people there is no support system. I never let anyone think that I needed it and now I wish I wasn't so damn convincing. I dodn't have a good job for grieving. As a manager of a busy retail store I have to be really nice to customers and positive with employees. My bad mood can affect too many people so I always feel like I have to have that face on. It's really exhausting when Aall you really want to do is be alone and shut everyone elso out. I hate that about myself. I know deep down that I don't have a support network because I pushed tham all away. I've always been too independant to let my family know I need anything and to be perfectly frank I'm just not good at making friends. I always feel like I'm imposing on people. I don't want to be too much of a jerk or too clingy. I just don't feel comfortable with other people. God I'm messed up. This would be simpler if I was just losing with losing a baby but recently I've been thinking of all the bad things that have happened too me. Now that I look back the list looks much larger than I realized. I guess I at this point I should be glad that I'm still moving.

1 comment:

  1. ME TOO!!

    See, its all normal. Sorry, you're normal. I've often wondered why I find myself obsessed with reading these baby loss blogs. I've come to conclude that it's in fact what you think it is. Its nice to not feel alone, its nice to see that other people in your situation feel the same way. Its nice to see that everyone gets angry, everyone has questions and not a single one of us understands why it all happens. I'm having the same problem with my support network. My whole life I've been the tough one. "Like water off a ducks back" that's what my mom says about me. Its hard to be vulnerable. Its hard to say "HELP!!" when you doubt the help is even capable of being there. So, instead we yell help out into cyberspace and hope for the best. We're still the blind leading the blind, but at least there are voices around to keep us company.