Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Ring a bell and I'll salivate.

I had to go to the doctor yesturday. I wonder if there will ever be a time when I can go to the doctor without thinking of the loss of our baby. Since the visit was for an injury to my anckle I went to a clinic near work. In the middle of the afternoon it was mostly mothers with their children and that's the part that got me. Too many images at once between the waiting room and the babies it was just too much. Once I got in to see the doctor I was fine. Since this time I was the patient it didn't feel the same. The next time I need to bring my wife to the doctor I know it will be harder.

Any human being who has suffered a loss like this has been through a horrible experience and I don't mean to discount that for anyone. Keep in mind for this next part that these are my dark grumblings. There is one part of this experience that I think is is worse than if I already had another child. Everything that relates to babies in any way shape or form reminds me of the loss we suffered a year ago. I have no positive associations to balance things out. Now that my brother has another baby and I'm constantly being sent pictures and videas I would like to be happy about it. Of course there is a large part of me that is but I feal a bit like little Albert and Watson keeps handing me that rat.


  1. You know, I've thought about that last statement quite a bit. How much harder "life" would have been had I lost Logan before I had Aubrey. I am "lucky" that I can see some baby stuff and not freak. But having a child, just reminds me of what I am missing out on. Because I KNOW the things that were stolen from me. But, I digress... Being totally childless adds salt to the wound.

  2. I completely relate to your post (just found your blog, by the way, thanks to Monica at kukd). My hubby's bro just had a baby (the first grandchild for his parents) and I cannot understand why everyone expects us to be happy about it. Do they not get that every time I look at her picture, it is a reminder of what wasn't? Just know, you're not alone (for whatever that's worth!)