Last night my wife went out with friends. No big deal because I had to get up early today to go to work so we wouldn't of had much time together. The only problem is when I lie in bed alone it gives me far too much time to think. Around two o'clock I finally fell asleep only to be awaken at about 3:30 by my wife coming home. Let me be clear. She didn't just clumsily wake me up getting into bed. She decided to turn the overhead light on in the kitchen which in our apartment shines straight into the bedroom. Then she was banging dishes around, throwing things in the microwave to make a snack, slamming the microwave door closed and of course she had lo let that beeper go off on the microwave even though she was right next to it and could have stopped it early. I have to get up in a few hours and she's traipsing around like it's the middle of the afternoon. I was so pissed off that when she finally came to bed I pretended to be asleep because I knew it was either silence or I was going to go off.
Here's the problem. I have been so pissed off lately at everything that even though I think I am justified this time I can't tell anymore. My ability to gauge when I'm being irrationally angry is busted so I don't react at all out of fear of overreacting. I can't tell anymore. Last week on my day off my wife was working that night. Usually she gets home at about 8:45 pm so I planned dinner for about that time. I made lamb with a balsamic reduction sauce, spinach salad and a baked Alfredo pasta that I improvised with a toasted breadcrumb and Parmesan topping. She walked in at about 10:00 pm without any mention of being late. I sat there for an hour like an abandoned housewife watching dinner shrivel up and she doesn't even say sorry I'm late. When I was visibly upset while pulling the dried pieces of meat out of the oven she said that they had customers stay late and she couldn't get out any earlier. My response was, "Usually you call when you're going to be late." She snidely said, "Oh, so it's my fault for not calling?" Needless to say that turned into a fight. She was so shocked at my reaction that I started to wonder if I was over reacting. I hate that I can't tell. Why can't I just be angry without first having to stop to think if it's a rational anger? That kinda takes the steam out of my argument.
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I've been her before. My husband's been you before. I think she's not putting herself in your head right now, HOSL. When you lose a baby and you're the woman, I think it makes you a selfish, self-centered person. You get into survival mode and, in the end, feel that you're the only one left - even though (obviously) that's not the case.
ReplyDeleteI'm not saying that in a bad or good way - like a "it's your wife's fault" or "not her fault" kind of way. I just think it's what often happens. It took me, honestly, a year-and-a-half before I returned to my husband, to being there for him and truly concerned about him again, because all of the nurturing I had in my heart was going just to myself. He gave me so much, and I got used to taking a lot, and not giving back in return. We had similar incidents, where I threw myself into work and came home late, and he'd have a cold dinner ready for me.
This is just my experience - again, not saying anyone is right or wrong. Just how it was for us/me/him. We're doing better now, because he broke down and communicated with me, and I realized I needed to get back with him again.
Irrational anger is all part of this thing called grief...I think. Not that your anger was irrational. For me, I know that whenever my husband even snaps at me, or gives me a look I about break down! My first reaction is "How could you DO THAT to me!?! I'm already sad enough!" Invariably though, none of us know what we're doing. Stop questioning and second guessing every thing you do and start flowing with it. Irrational or not, you're angry, stop hiding it. Speak up! Though, wait till you've simmered down. Fighting when everything is sow raw just makes it worse. But keep in mind, your wife, she's probably hiding. No one knows what to do with their pain, so most of us try like hell to ignore it.
ReplyDeleteEverything is a blur. There is no way to decipher what you should be doing, saying or feeling. Step back and breath. I was told by someone to write a letter to my husband. I was told to just put it all on paper. It may be easier. Let her know how you feel. Just because it has been a year it does not mean it is too late. You are both going thru this and maybe she doesn't know how you still feel.
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