I find myself going shopping a lot and not finding anything to buy. Then I'll go to the kitchen to find a snack and nothing looks good so I go back to my sofa where I flip through channels finding nothing I want to watch. The truth is that I don't want any of those things. I want to be a dad. There is just this whole that nothing can fill becase it was left by a baby that died. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen but I don't know what. Everything just feels incomplete. I have so much that I want to get off my chest but every medium to do so is too slow to get it all out before my defense mechanisms kick in.
I've been thinking a lot lately about why I get so angry. It seems ironic to me because losing the baby made all of my other problems seem so small. I've come up with two main reasons. First of all, I feel like because of what happened that I just don't want to be bothered with all of this stupid day to day crap. I'm trying to direct all of my energy toward just keeping it together so I don't have the time to worry about your stupid little deadline that half of my colleagues are going to miss anyway. I run a retail store not a nuclear missle silo so if I let the ball drop every once in a while who freak'n cares. On the flip side if one of my employees mess up I completely feel like it was a malicious act designed to irritate me. That makes perfect sense right? The other reason I get angry so easily is all of the people who act like they are having the worst day ever died. I can't help but want to say, "Oh yea. whacha got?" Then when they gripe about bad traffic and getting handed the wrong drink at Starbucks I can say, "Hah! My baby died before I even got to meet it! Trump card! I win!" It's kind of funny that I walk around all day feeling pissed off because of all of these people looking pissed off.